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frequently asked questions
HOW DO I FIND
FIFTH STREET CROSS?
HOW CAN I GET INVITED/CAN I INVITE
SOMEONE?
DO I REALLY NEED A CYCLOCROSS
BIKE?
DO I NEED A LIGHT?
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO RACE?
DO I NEED A LICENSE?
DO I HAVE TO DRINK PBR?
IS THIS A SPECTATOR EVENT?
CAN I BRING MY KIDS?
CAN I BRING MY PETS?
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR
SCORING SYSTEM?
HOW DO I FIND FIFTH STREET CROSS?
The race is by invitation only.
HOW CAN I GET INVITED/CAN I INVITE
SOMEONE?
You have to be asked to attend by a current racer; we trust everyone
who's already been invited to have the good sense to know who to
invite and who not to. Confused? We'll break it down for you: Don't
invite jackasses.
If you, yourself, are a jackass and are already competing
at Fifth Street Cross, don't worry - you're grandfathered in. Just
don't invite anyone who, to you, seems cool.
Simple, huh?
DO I REALLY NEED A CYCLOCROSS BIKE?
As the kids says, yeppers. Roughly, that means drop bars and 700c
wheels. Fixed, singlespeed, geared, whatever. It's pretty simple,
folks: If we have to try to figure out if you're riding a cross
bike, you aren't.
In the past, we had a limited number of loaners available,
but that supply has pretty much dried up. Get your priorities right,
drop some scratch at your local bike shop - or our preferred shop,
South Mountain Cycles - and show up with a real cross bike.
DO I NEED A LIGHT?
The course is poorly lit in three places by floodlights and a firepit,
but you're likely to put a dire hurt on yourself if your race sans
beams - though people have accomplished it to great acclaim. Bring
one of them fancy head-mounted lights; it works better than a handlebar
mount or smearing glowing plankton on your frame. In the past, we
had loaner lights, but they've all been broken.
HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO RACE?
An enormous amount of gumption and willingness to choke down your
pride. Otherwise, there's no entry fee.
We are open to sponsorships and donations. Sponsors
provide vital material goods or services. One-time donations cover
the cost of some of the ceremonial items given to the leaders, and
of necessities such as course tape and that smelly sawsdust stuff
you throw over vomit. All-in, the organizers spend about $3,000
a year to keep Fifth Street Cross going. Suggested Donation: $1,000.
Accepted Donation: $0-$50. (We won't ask, we don't keep track, there's
just a box in the garage if you feel inspired.)
Though we already have many, many generous and prestigious
corporate partners - listed in the sponsors section - we are always
interested in hearing from parties interested in sponsoring:
* beer
* cognac
* toilet paper
* duct tape
* juice boxes, snacks and glow wands for kids
* lube
* cleanser and degreaser
* college education scholarships
* human-navigated trips to another universe
* special events, such as Belgian Night
If you are interested in providing one of these valuable
services, please contact us as info@fifthstreetcross.com.
DO I NEED A LICENSE?
Only if you plan to fish, or serve Her Majesty in secret. You do
have to sign a waiver before you're allowed to race.
There's probably no way the thing would hold up in
court. And so far the people who have cracked bones on the course
have done the right thing and kept their mouths shut. Still, we
have to make the effort, right?
DO I HAVE TO DRINK PBR?
No. It's recommended, but optional. If you suck on a bike, it's
more recommended. It helps bury the pain. Our winners generally
eschew the beer chugs, for what that's worth.
We drink beers recreationally, as well. The Fifth
Street Cross Series Recommended Beer List, in order of preference:
1) Chimay Blue, the Pabst of Belgium
2) PBR, the white-trash pinot noir
3) Any of those domestic twink microbrews favored by people with
enough disposable income to buy cross bikes and $300 lights
4) Any other foreign beer
5) All other domestic beers .
IS THIS A SPECTATOR EVENT?
Without question, especially if, like most-stalwart-fan-ever Jaime,
you are trolling for dates. Come to think of it, for all the control
they have over the race, Fifth Street Cross is more or less a spectator
sport for most of the riders, too.
CAN I BRING MY KIDS?
Yes, but they'll no longer be allowed to scribble crayons all over
our walls while we race. We have established a "kid-safe" zone in
our sunporch, which will keep our house safe from kids. There will
be a TV, some measure of warmth and, for the thrill-seeking, risk-taking
offspring, several glass-topped tables for that zesty element of
uncertainty and fear. Conversely, the kids might even stay outside
and do what, back in the old days, was known as "play."
CAN I BRING MY PETS?
Yes, unless you treat your kids like pets, or pretend your pets
are kids - then we don't want to know you. Just don't whine if the
pack runs over your pet, or if Ray's dog, Duke, mates with it. Repeatedly.
If, however, you yourself run over my daughter's new
puppy, you are banned for life. Yours, not its.
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR
SCORING SYSTEM?
Don't even try to comprehend it. If Albert Einstein made love to
and was impregnated by Manolo Saiz, then their insane baby ate Malcolm
Gladwell's brain and threw it up on Bill Gates, the resulting drug-resistant
super-organism that sprouted in Gates's mucous membrane might have
a chance of understanding the heart of the Fifth Street Cross scoring
system, the G.C. Multiplier.
GC = General Classification.
General Classification = overall standings.
Overall standings are ranked by number of GC Points.
The number of available points in a race is set by
the number of participants, with the winner getting a +1 bonus.
So if ten people race, the winner gets 11 points, second place gets
9 points, third gets 8, etc.
Your GC points are determined by multiplying all the
points you earned in a night of racing by your spot in the GC. So
if you were third in the GC and you scored twenty points in the
night's two races, your GC points for the night would be 60 (20
x 3). Other things to know about scoring:
* Each week's General Classification leader will be
wear the coveted Fifth Street Cross banner.
* The winner of each race receives a fabulous prize. The night's
big winner - determined arbitrarily - gets the ceremonial cup of
Cognac.
* The women's cup will run concurrently separate from the main G.C.
until the final week - in other words, because we believe that all
humans equally share a capacity to be lousy, and because the GC
Multiplier makes it possible for anyone to assume the overall race
lead, there is no separate women's GC tally from week to week. However,
the top woman finisher for each race does receive a fabulous prize
and, at the end of the season, the women's-only GC is calculated
and an overall estrogen champ is crowned.
* The GC leader has to drink a pre-race PBR at the start line (or
forfeit the banner).
* At the end of the year, an overall PBR champ is crowned.
* Three new weekly prizes this year: An award for the best bad rider
of the night; a stunning and instantly legendary prize for one of
the many special races-within-the-race; and a Lanterne Rouge bonus.
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