archives: news & updates
Fifth Street Cross Thanksgiving Edition - 11/15/07, from the Director
By long tradition, there will be no Fifth Street Cross on Thursday, Nov. 22. Instead, look for:
Sunday AfternoonFifth Street Cross - Sunday, Nov. 25
2:30 -- Kids' Race*
3:00 -- Surprise Format Race (15 min. + lap)**
3:37 -- 2-Rider Team Race (20 min + lap; pairings will be announced day of race)***
4:18 -- Goat Field Miss & Out (laps determined by number of entrants)****
5:00 -- The Race For People Who Never Race*****
* Age 13 and under; no PBR bonus
** when we figure out the format, we'll be as surprised as you
*** we opted not to go with the Madison this year
**** civilization peaks right here, folks.
***** open to anyone who has not started a regular FSC race this season
Bring tasty food & snacks to grill, or enjoy wet & cold dishes
IMPORTANT PBR VOMIT RULING HANDED DOWN - 11/14/07, from the Director
After considering the legal, ethical, spiritual, aesthetic, historical, comic, environmental, physical and nonexistent ramifications of Plunkett throwing up Pabst Blue Ribbon multiple times in my yard, the organizing body of Fifth Street Cross has handed down a decision. No appeal from either side is possible.
It all comes down to one of our few actual rules:
#4: "If you cheat in a race that takes place in someone's yard and has its crux in a foot sprint through a kid's sandbox, you are a dick."
Plunkett's not a dick, so he didn't cheat. The PBRs stand.
Is that a loophole? Could be -- if you're a dick. Then you're a cheater and the beers won't stand. See the beauty of the logic?
Fifth Street Cross, as curious as it may sound, runs hard on the honor system. A guy who is riding his heart out and spews swill all over the course yet soldiers on to force another brew down his gullet is living with as much nobility as when he's running 6-minute laps with three peebers sloshing in his belly It's about effort and heart amidst stupidity. And Plunkett has shown plenty of all three.
I'm more ashamed of those those of you who have been swinging so wide right to get onto firm ground that you're breaking the tape instead of gearing your ass down and churning through the loam pit the way you know you should be doing.
P.S. Bongs, funnels, shotguns, Pot Belge, sticking sausages in someone's seat tube, and personalized pornographic playing cards have never been and are still not allowed.
Important Topics - 10/16/07, from the Director
IMPORTANT TOPIC NUMBER 1
When Stacie "Quotomatic" Pearson said, "She looks like Dorothy from
the Wizard of Oz," she was referring to:
B) That tough, cool, attractive, smart, ribald, athletic chick who
really rode 2-5-10
C) Bill Strickland
D) Someone else
The correct answer, of course, is D. (I've been told
I look more like the young lady from "Emmanuelle IV") To speculate
over which Fifth Street Crosser could go over the rainbow, get thee
to the Race Commentary page. In fact, stop using mass e-mailings
to communicate with your fellow racers - seriously, there are complaints
about this, and the web site was designed to avoid getting Ray fired
for such egregious spam; he's going to get fired for not working
Please use the site to pimp slap each other from now
on. For those of still on dial-up: You have to register as a user,
then click on a link sent to your e-mail to activate your account.
IMPORTANT TOPIC NUMBER 2
If you drank PBRs at the last race, please e-mail me privately to
let me know how many. I'll calculate which of you are lying weasels,
and which of you are merely drunkards. We didn't capture the stats,
and as you know it's important for the overall victory at the end
of the season.
IMPORTANT TOPIC NUMBER 3
Course update: I'm going to try to make the downhill a wee less
hairy. And the PBR shortcut stands as is, for at least one more
week until we get a more accurate read on its effect.
IMPORTANT TOPIC NUMBER 4
We need a hot plate for Thursday; Kuklis is bringing homemade cider
and rum. If you have one, e-mail me.
IMPORTANT TOPIC NUMBER 5
Mary Costello's gonna show up and kick all of your butts. At least
that's what she said.
Oh. My. God. Its here. - 10/03/07, from
FIFTH STREET CROSS, THURSDAY, OCT. 11
Early Race 6:30 p.m.
Late Race: 7:14 p.m.
Pre-Ride: 4-6:30 p.m.
NEW FAST COMPETITORS!
NEW SLOW, AWKWARD, WEAK, UGLY, IGNORANT COMPETITORS, TOO!
The Cross Report? Already?! - 09/01/07,
from the Director
As we look forward to another stirring season of Fifth
Street Cross please don't look backward at the previous season
lest you can't stop yourself from staring at its goiter there's
already many, many thrilling developments and breaking news items.
1. For the first time ever, we are offering
pre-season cyclocross clinics. Fast person Mike Yozell, who was
recently licensed as the world's first Fifth Street Cross instructor
though he doesn't yet know it, and who is, in actuality and without
kidding a helluva cross racer in real life, will be teaching 3 courses
Yozell will cover such topics ranging from "which
part is the wheel?" to how to do a real dismount and remount, to
a mime demonstration of why Duke seems at times unable to unlatch
If you do this, you will get way, way, way better
folks. You might even be able to keep up with Plunkett.
DATES: Sept. 1, 8, 15 (all Saturdays)
LOCATION: Church View Park in Upper Mil (google "Church View
Park, Upper Milford, PA for directions)
TIME: 11 a.m.
COST: Incalculable, really.
2. Fifth Street Cross begins Thursday, Oct.
11. We were discussing a change to Wednesday nights, but Fifth
Street Cross, when you think about, is in so many ways like a head
injury. And we all know that movement in such cases does more damage
3. Before the first race, please spend some
time reviewing the Fifth Street Cross rulebook you should have received
by FedEx Overnight, and note these crucial upcoming changes to the
*On page 368, paragraph 9, where it says, "Strickland
sucks," please note the revision to "Strickland really sucks."
* Steak will no longer be allowed to leave his bike
outside on the driveway to rust week after week.
* We have increased our entry fee this year to nothing.
I know, from watching so many of you do so many laps around my yard
in past seasons, that people became used to showing up to race with
less than nothing. I wish we could maintain that condition; however,
the current sub-prime mortgage crisis has prompted this unfortunate
* To compensate for the entry-fee hike, we have reduced
the cost of winning.
Whereas in the past we conformed to the tradition
that you should give 100% to win and many of you gave 110% to
do your best though the most you could hope for was not to be passed
by the leaders on lap 2 in 2007 we have set minimum limits of
83% for winning, and a mere 27% to qualify as "doing your best."
We hope this helps offset the total cost of racing,
and makes participation in Fifth Street Cross a reality even for
people like Heath who still live with their brothers well into midlife,
and people like Dan who, well, are just people like Dan.
4. If you know someone cool who wants to participate,
please discreetly pass their e-mail to me. Fifth Street Cross remains
invite only though apparently anyone can get invited. It makes
me feel powerful to say that, though.
5. I just never get tired of looking at this